Frank In Hell


“Hi Frank, lovely to meet you. We really appreciate you taking the time to come in.”

“Ugh…”

“Don’t be nervous. The interview process can be daunting we understand, but try to remember that we ask all applicants the very same questions.”

“Um. Okay.”

“Great. Well, I might start by telling you a little bit about what it is that we do here, before we delve into the hard stuff. So, I work for a company called Nulife and we work on behalf of the ‘big guy’, if you know what I’m saying. Just in terms of chatting to the souls to see where they’re at and determine the next step for them in terms of what happens after. Does that make sense?”

“You work for God?”

“Mmm he really doesn’t like that term. It has a lot of implications. All-seeing, all-knowing, all that? It’s a lot of pressure. We try to think of him as more of a CEO.”

“a CEO?”

“That’s right. Can I go on?”

“Sure”

“Right, so we might start the questions with a simple one. Can you tell us a little bit about how you got here?”

“How I… got here?”

“Yes, how you died.”

“Oh. Um. Bus. I got hit by a bus.”

“Oooh, I’m sorry to hear that. Did it hurt?”

“No, I ah, I died on impact”

“Well, there’s a silver lining. Were you at fault?”

“Pardon?”

“Was it your fault? Or was the bus driver not paying attention.”

“Oh, nobody was really at fault. I was ah, on my bike and ”

“Ahh, a cyclist. So, your fault then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, just, doesn’t matter. The manner of your death won’t affect my decision. I always remain objective. It’s more of a breaking the ice kind of question.”

“Right”

“Great. Next question. What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment? In life, of course. Before you rode your bike in front of a bus.”

“It was an accident.”

“Just answer the question.”

“Right. Um. Biggest accomplishment. Well. I suppose, raising a family. My kids have grown up to be wonderful young adults so I’m very proud of th — are you really rolling your eyes right now?”

“Everyone in here says the same shit.”

“Sorry? I missed that.”

“Oh. Nothing. Perhaps something else? Tell me about another accomplishment.”

“Like?”

“Oh I dunno, something with an award. A medal. Anything.”

“I guess. Ahh, I came second in a big cycling competition in my city when I was in my twenties.”

“Second! Impressive. Who came first?”

“I don’t rem-”

“Was it the bus?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Now, Frank. Let’s keep the language civil. I’m just doing my job.”

“Jesus”

“Please refrain from using that name in here.”

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